'Country Club' Scam Exposed

Country Clubs

(By: Sir Stuttgart “Stuie”)


This piece was very difficult to write.  When I first considered writing about this I figured a few google searches and I’d have answers.  That was not correct.  Therefore, I took it upon myself to personally delve into this mystery.  I became one of those “mystery” shoppers.  Boy, was I in for a huge, huge surprise!


We’ve all be told “We’re taking a trip to the country club”.  We’ve all responded with “hot diggity,, the country club.”  I’ve heard horror stories of these so-called country club outings.  I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then I started to really think about it.  As I started to delve into the memory cells I suddenly realized I’ve been told that very same line.  I will urge you all to please make sure you are safely seated (you might want a drink in hand too, or at least a therapist on speed dial), when I reveal below what my personal experience investigation revealed.


A country club as defined by Wikipedia: is a privately-owned club, often with closed membership, that generally offers both a variety of recreational sports and facilities for dining and entertainment. Typical athletic offerings are golf, tennis, and swimming.

I do NOT know the fool that came up with this definition.  It is NOT TRUE! 


That kind of place does not exist. 


Of course when I read that description I was immediately pulled in.  Great, we’re taking a trip to the country club.  I can work on my tan, play a few rounds, indulge in some good high class food and spend time with other celebrities of my status. 

Well, folks that is not what happened.  Below is my experience at the “Country Club.”  (disclaimer: it may be necessary to seek therapy after reading).


On Friday morning, I am informed that we are taking a trip to the country club.  "Oh, goody" I say to myself.  I sure hope they have some coffee and breakfast foods since I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink after midnight the evening before.  That my friends is warning number 1!  Then the harness comes out, only mine, not Bailey’s.  Warning number 2, if you are in a multiple dog household.  So off we go.  I start to think to myself "Why isn’t Bailey coming to the club with me?  Is this a me only pampering trip?  It could be.  I am a celebrity and Bay is still in the early throws of stardom."  I notice we don’t drive very far and we've definitely not driven out to the country.  Warning number 3!  Then we stop.  We are not at a beautifully landscaped place with a golf course, swimming pool or restaurant.  I won’t even say where we are.  You can all guess.  If you stop and its not lusciously landscaped without the above mentioned “country club” amenities that is warning number 4!  DO NOT GET out of the vehicle, play dead (on second thought scrap that idea considering where you are).


Despite shaking like one of those vibrating massage chairs I am taken inside the “country club.”  At least they brought one of my blankets with me.  By the way that is warning number 5!  Looking around I realize I know this place.  This is the vet’s office.  

Okay, not too bad, they treat me really good here because of who I am.  Then warning number 6 happens. I am taken to the back, alone, all by my self.   Just me and Auntie Sarah and Mr. Shane.  I am not really sure what happened after that.  I remember getting a needle (I think). Then everything gets foggy. I’m adrift in a ship on a calm body of water.  Treats raining down, sunshine warming my fur. Then oblivion. 


When I finally come back to reality, I lick my chops, the grime and grunge of 6 years of collecting is gone from my teeth.  I’ve got stitches in my ear.  This was NOT a trip to the “country club”  this was a trip to somewhere that I’m still trying to figure out just where on the map it is.  Honestly I don’t think it really exists.  I think it has something to do with that needle.  It’s all a ploy.


As my day concludes at the “country club” I hear the whispers.  I will be making a trip to a different “country club.”  I am like Oh, heck no.  I know that ploy. That’s not happening.


In conclusion, when you are told you are going to the “country club” it’s a lie.  You are not going to go have a leisurely day of swimming, eating good food, sipping on Martinis in the clubhouse or by the pool.  You won’t be playing a few rounds of golf.  Heck you won’t even play tennis or engage in any other activities these clubs claim to have available for its membership.  DO NOT get membership to one of these clubs.  I will be petitioning Congress here in the States to put a ban on these kinds of places as they promote false advertising.  I am also consulting legal advice on how to recoup those hours at the false “country club”.  So please, when that sweet honeyed voice says come on Fido we’re going to the country club, RUN the other way.  Hide. Refuse to go.  Good luck!


Sir Stuttgart “Stuie”

South Carolina, USA Editor


Photographs:   wikimedia.org/w


                                        Jackie Wheeler Dasen

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